Comments on My College Experience

As I enter my final semester of college at Rutgers University, I cannot help but think back to all the decisions I made since I first moved into my freshman dorm almost five years ago. Although I am ashamed to admit it, most of the decisions I made were poorly thought out and sometimes flat-out reckless. This is because I spent most of my years at the university chasing the famed "College Experience" that is often touted in the news, television shows, and movies. What I found, on the other hand, was entirely different. It made me miserable.

My college experience was good at first. I made friends, joined clubs, had fun, learned a lot, and even had my fair share of crazy moments. But throughout the whole experience, I had a lingering feeling that I was missing something. I always felt that my experience was false. This feeling painted my experience with a gray brush and made me doubt my own enjoyment. Maybe it was the constant comments of "Enjoy the best years of your life," or the social media posts of my high school friends, but this feeling never seemed to go away. Although I seemed to be doing many of the same things that everyone else was doing, I never felt the true enjoyment of actually doing them. I was chasing this elusive "college experience," but I never really knew what it was, what it felt like, or what it looked like. This is when the internal dread started to build. The clock was ticking, and I was running out of time every second of the day. I had to find this experience at whatever cost; otherwise, what was this all for? Looking back now, I have one word for the so-called "college experience": bullshit. Crap, did I say bullshit? I meant marketing because that's what it actually is. Bullshit is pretty close, though.

They lure you in with the promise of this grand experience away from home. Amazing facilities, extravagant parties, sex, friends, adventures, sports, games, and activities. Although these things are sprinkled in nice pockets throughout your college life, in reality, you are sold on these tiny specks rather than the whole picture. To many people coming out of high school (me included), we were oblivious to the fact that we were being sold something. Personally, I just thought that this was school and that as I got older, school just happened to get a lot cooler. But this wasn't school; in reality, it probably wasn't necessary at all. I didn't think about the loans, the education, the economy, the living expenses, or even my parents. I was just hooked on the "experience." However, what I ended up finding out was something far from what I had been told. These experiences were not guaranteed. The life you had been promised was not something anyone could give you (or that you could buy for that matter). So much depended on your major, friends, family, finances, and personality. No one could possibly give you what you were after. It was up to you to get it, and no one knew where to start.

I ended up never truly having enough, and I hated every minute of it. Now I understand that I may come off as bitter or even spiteful, and to an extent, I am. I bought into the lie. My hand was being held up until my first move-in day, and I wasn't even aware of it. How could my elders have babied me this way? This is one of the toughest questions I asked myself. I still think about it to this day. However, I've come to the conclusion that I have no one to blame but myself. Yes, I was young and naive. Yes, I had little to no guidance on what college was for and where it would take me. Yes, I didn't know how life actually worked. But I chose to believe the many lies about my future that I had been told because I wanted to believe them. I wanted the experience and believed so badly in its existence. I wish I could go back and force myself to understand that highs AND lows were approaching. But I got no warning; I was sucked into this fantasy wonderland, fooled into thinking life would be exactly what I had dreamed it would be. Somewhere along the line, I started waking up to reality. For quite a while, I beat myself up over it. "How could I be so naive?" I thought. But I wasn't naive. I was just growing up.

After everything, college wasn't all bad. There were good times and bad. I don't think they were the best years of my life, nor do I wish they were. I think people often refer to them like that because it was their last taste of childhood, and if that's the truth, then I understand the sentiment. I just wish I had stopped looking for my fantasy life earlier and instead went out of my way to start building it. Through all the loans, countless classes, interesting people, and wild experiences, the biggest lesson I ever learned was to never let anyone define you or your life. Your own two eyes will tell you everything you need to know. Your brain is all you need to get the life you desire. All you need to do is trust them.

So, are your college years the best of your life? To some, maybe. But to others, I say, maybe you just want them to be. In the end, that could make all the difference.